du great
IF ONLY
They say love is a fantastically beautiful thing, but doesn’t come that easily. In my case, I would say, not everybody is lucky to have that chance to love or be loved. I was renounced that chance since birth when I knew absolutely nothing about life. I was conceived by mistake, according to the tales I was told, and my mother got rid of this mistake one year after giving birth to it, leaving me with her mother, my grandma, since my father denied me the moment he leant of my existence as just a seed in my mother’s womb. I have no memories of my so-called mother. I don’t even remember my so-called mother, because she never came back home or enquired about me after she left.
The moment I learnt to distinguish between right and wrong, my grandma took every chance she got to tell me how my mother did not want me, how she wished my mother took me with her because I was a burden to her. As little as I was, I don’t think I deserved to know all that shit, but it became like a song to me, a lullaby I had to hear every single day.
At the age of seven, my grandma got fed up taking care of me and tossed me off to my animal of an uncle who mistreated together with his family until I finished high school. I got decent grades, grades that guaranteed my dreams would come true, but unfortunately, my achievement was like an affront to them. That night, my uncle and his family threw me out of their house like a useless dog. I was kicked out in the middle of the night to go die in the cold with my grades and dreams.NôvelDrama.Org copyrighted © content.
I was barely eighteen, and yet, nobody wanted me. Were it not for my only friend back then, Andrew, I don’t know where I would be now. He brought me with him to the city where I was lucky to join him in his father’s real estate company, where I worked as an agent. I was ready and eager to learn, which, coupled with my hard work, reaped me a favourite badge in Andrew’s father. Compared to his son who was always out clubbing and winning competitions in changing girls like his boxers, I was always working, early in the morning up until late at night. I became my best friend’s father’s beloved employee. Frankly, this was the first time I felt appreciated and wanted.
I got my first girlfriend at the age of twenty. We were together for about four months, and then again, the shit happened. She dumped me, only for her to settle down with my best friend, Andrew, a month later. More than rejection, this felt like betrayal, but I accepted it. That, coupled with Andrew’s jealousy of me for being his father’s beloved employee, jeopardized our friendship with both my only friend and her. For what my friend, my girlfriend, and my family did to me, I vowed I must make it in life. I made a goal to become independent. Be my boss. I became so determined to prosper so that I can put to shame all those who treated me like garbage. All those who rejected me, will one day wish to meet me and apologize. Or at least, wish they stayed by my side.
Having my first rental house completed at the age of twenty-three was my first achievement, and from then, my thirst for building more rentals became unquenchable. I resigned from the company and formed my own, The AA Real Estates. My heart and soul.
My second achievement was when I found someone to love me, or so, I thought. I still remember the first time I laid my eyes on her. She was sad, and in deep thoughts, and I felt the need to get close to her. My Maria, soon than I thought became my girlfriend, and we settled down a few months after learning she was carrying my child. It was a twofold pleasure in my heart, that I will not have just one person in my life, but two. With my real estate business successfully growing, I ventured into investments.
At twenty-five, I was a young millionaire, with a wife and a very beautiful kid, my angel, and I named her Angel. But then again, life had started its usual again. My Maria had changed. She drowned herself in alcohol and abandoned her responsibilities as a mother and a wife. I tried to reach out, but she drove me away with insults every attempt I made. In her state, I was left to take care of my daughter until one morning, one morning that has remained stuck in my head, when rejection slapped me hard on the face, once again, just once again.
“I was wrong when I said for better or for worse. This is as far as I can go, Adrian. You are not even half the man I would want to spend my life with. For those almost two miserable years we have been together, I will compensate you with Angel. I don’t want you to commit suicide just because of loneliness, because nobody wants you. You suck at everything, that’s why nobody can stick to you for so long. Do whatever you want with the little brat. I am going to chase what I would have acquired by now if only I did not meet you. But I need competition too.”
Without any reason, another person was leaving me. Another rejection. Betrayal was played at its best. Just like me, Angel had turned one when Maria left us. I lost it all. I almost ran mad, but the little princess became my light and my reason to live.
From the day I let Maria go, I made another vow, that I will never let anybody in my heart again. I was not meant to be loved, and I will not try that nonsense again. Since then, I have been avoiding women like catastrophic elements. I distanced myself from everyone, apart from Ambrose and his wife. I created my world, and in it, live only two very important things – my precious little girl, and my company. For my daughter, I can do even the unthinkable, because I can’t allow her to go through any kind of hurt. She is my everything, and I can do anything and everything for her. I would rather die first than see her get hurt.
At twenty-eight, I am a proud billionaire, because everything I have, I have earned every single cent of it. I have hundreds of plots with construction underway and hundreds of completed rentals. I have invested millions in a bank, and I am now the top shareholder in both the water and power companies. My daughter has remained my consolation in times of despair over the years, and I haven’t given women any room in my heart, until recently.
It’s been a month since I met her, and this one month close to her has made me feel a thousand things – things I have not allowed myself to feel for anyone in the last three years. Things I am not supposed to feel. I can not allow myself to feel this way because I will end up getting hurt.
Every single thing about her, including her cluelessness, her naivety, her kindness, and her bond with my daughter has moved me a great deal. I look at her, and ask myself, are there really people like her? She is so easy to talk to. Quiet but outgoing. I take pleasure even in annoying her, and I don’t know why.
When I first kissed her that morning, I felt like it was the first purest and sweetest kiss I have ever received in my entirety. How she passionately responded to my kiss, was fulfilling. And the feeling of her trembling in my arms is a feeling I can’t decipher. She, Tania Lawson, has awakened something in me that is making me fearful.
I feel like a total jerk for permitting my stupid feelings to lead me, but I just can’t control myself when it comes to her. I can’t afford to hurt her, and I know I can’t trust again. The rejections and betrayals still hurt like they happened yesterday. I am damaged beyond repair. I am a damaged package.
I believed I had everything under wraps, but she had aroused everything in just a month.
When she implored me to kiss her that morning, I had to try and restrain my urge to just a kiss, because I wanted more. I want to hold her, kiss her, do a thousand things with her, and I still do want all that.
I want to make love to her. I want to hear her moan my name, asking me for more, beseeching me not to stop pounding on her, but can I do all that to her knowing well that my heart is not, and will probably never be ready to love again? Can I take another risk? I doubt, it because unlike before, now I have a daughter, who will be caught up in the middle of everything I do. Before me, before my desires, before my lust, before anything, my daughter comes first.
This girl, Tania Lawson, I find myself calling her Ania, sometimes. She has a very strong charm on me. I know she is furious with me right now because of how I spoke to her in the morning. But that’s the only one I see best fit to keep a distance between us, for both our sakes. The irony is, deep down I want her even to just call my name. It further breaks the pieces of my heart to see her hurting. I feel like an animal for treating her that way. I feel like a total jerk for hurting her, but is there any other way?
She is so pure to get entangled with a broken wreck like me. She can not handle Adrian Ashton.
I do not know how I am going to do this without hurting her, but I can’t continue using her. I have to control my urge. I have to control what I feel for her. At least, at least, for her sake, before things blow out of proportion.
If only I could love again…
END OF ANDY’S POV