It Happened Last Year

I park in front of Jana’s house and walk up to the front door with nothing but my phone and keys. It is six o’clock as she asked, and when I ring the doorbell it takes five seconds for her to answer. She leads me past the living room where her parents are watching television. I greet them in the second that she gives me, as Jana is already on the stairs, telling me to hurry up.

Once in her room with the door closed, I ask, “They’re letting you go to a party on a Monday night? Or are you sneaking out again?”

“I told them that we’re going to a basketball game for school. I just have to be back by eleven,” she says. “Here, I have your outfit.”

I glance down at her bed where the outfit is laid out. “A black dress, great.”

“Not just a black dress, this is the black dress. It’s tight, sleek, simple, and perfect for any occasion.”

I let out a short laugh. “Yeah, a funeral. Just give it to me so I can put it on.”

She hands me the dress, unamused, and I slip into her bathroom. “Don’t you want to look nice for Daniel?”

“Sure, but it’s not like we’re going to date or anything,” I tell her through the door, “I mean it was a nice kiss, it didn’t make me cry, so I think that’s a good place to end it.”

“End it?”

“Why ruin a good thing? I want to enjoy the fact that I can kiss people and not mess it up by going too far, too soon.”

“But you can’t just kiss people, you can kiss Daniel. Did you ever stop to think that you feel better with him because of him, not because you’ve gotten over what happened to you? I don’t want to sound like an ass, but maybe it’s not just you, maybe he’s helping you move on too.”

I pull up the dress, thinking about Jana’s theory. Maybe it is possible, maybe Daniel is helping me. “I need you to zip it.”

I walk out and Jana takes hold of the zipper. “If it wasn’t Daniel, maybe the kiss would have made you cry. It’s not the act, it’s the person you’re with. Maybe Daniel makes you feel safe.”

I turn around and give her a small smile. “Maybe.”

Jana grabs two hoodies from her closet and gives me one to put on while she uses the other. With masked outfits, we walk casually past her parents and throw them in the back seat when we make it to my car. By now, I know the way to Watts’, and we’re off.

“How many people are going to be there?”

“Jordan and Taylor, Daniel, Watts, a few of Watts’ friends, you, me,” Jana says. “Maybe ten, twelve, fifteen at the most. Just wait until the big parties.”

“Big parties?”

Jana nods, looking excited. “There’s one at Halloween, one at Christmas, and an end of the year party. Half of the school goes to those.”

They sound like the party Harrison threw, which does not make me eager to go at all.

I park my car where I usually do along the curb, and together we get out and make our way towards Watts house. “What is it this time? Front door or back gate?”

“Back gate.”

Everyone seems to be lounging around, sitting at the table and on lounge chairs, giving me déjà vu. There is soft music playing, something calm, nothing intense. I follow Jana as she walks up to the table-seated is Watts, Jordan, some guy I do not know, and Daniel. I give them a little smile, trying to hold back my blush from earlier.

Daniel does not look too interested in my presence as he continues to talk with the stranger. I want to wave my hand in his face. Hey, remember me? The girl you kissed without permission just a few hours ago?

“Where’s Taylor?” Jana asks Jordan.

“Inside, getting a drink, I think.”

I follow Jana through the back door, disappointed. Stupid black dress-he didn’t even look at me-I could have worn jeans. Next time I am definitely wearing jeans-and a t-shirt too, not even a nice shirt.

Taylor is standing in the kitchen, and when she notices us she seems relieved. “Thank God. I was waiting for you two. There is only one other girl here and she does not leave that boys side,” she says, and together we all peer at the couple on the couch. I remember them.

“Well, worry no longer. We are here on a mission,” Jana says.

We both look at her curiously. “We are?”

“Operation HD.”

I roll my eyes as Taylor struggles to understand. “It’s operation Hailey, Daniel,” I explain, “and it is not a thing. I’m only here because you told me to come, not because of Daniel.”

“You’re a bad liar,” she fights back. “What is there to drink? I’m parched.”

I sigh and sit down at the counter, grabbing one of the stools. Now I feel like a fool. Daniel probably thinks that I am here, all dressed up, for him. Am I? No. I would have worn anything Jana suggested. Am I excited to see Daniel? No. . . that’s a lie, but I am discouraged.

Not even a glance.

How dare he kiss me? I am not just some kissing-whore, or whatever. At least say ‘hello’ or ‘you look nice.’ I would prefer ‘you look nice.’

“You thirsty?” Taylor asks me and I kindly decline. I am sure all the drinks here are, well, drinks. Walking around with a glass of anything else may cause questions, and I do not feel like coming up with excuses.

“Where’s the bathroom?” I ask, standing up.

“Down the hall, to the left. It’s beside the stairs.”

Wandering further into Watts’ house, I take a few deep breaths, calming myself. There will always be that feeling, the one where I am paranoid someone is following me down the dark corridor. They will yank me into a room, lock the door. . . Sometimes I feel like that worry will never go away.

I find the bathroom and switch on the lights, shutting and locking the door behind me. In here I can relax. In a room alone is where I am safest.

I am not sure why I asked where the bathroom was as I do not have to use it. Maybe I just wanted this time alone? At home in bed-it sure sounds nice right about now, right when I am in the middle of a party, standing in the bathroom, wasting time.

I fall back against the wall. What am I doing? Why do I come to these if I obviously don’t want to be here? For Jana? For Daniel? Screw Daniel. Stupid dress.

Enough time has passed and I awkwardly flush the toilet and wash my hands, making it sound like I belong in here. Then, I shut off the lights, walk out slowly, walk down the hall slowly, wasting more time. Hopefully, it has been twenty minutes or so since we have arrived. Eleven, eleven o’clock is my release time.

“You look miserable.”Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

Looking up from my torpid feet, I see Daniel at the end of the hall. “I do, don’t I?” I mutter, wanting to ask: Why did you ignore me when I first came in?

He nods, nearing me. “Can I help with that?”

My eyes narrow in on him. “Are you going to kiss me out of nowhere again?”

“Possibly.”

I cross my arms, tired of being a teenage girl. “Well, don’t.”

Very close to me now, Daniel places his hand against the wall, almost caging me in. My heart begins to race, and not in a good way. “You don’t want that?” He asks, playing a game I am not familiar with, confusing me. Does he want me to refuse again, or is he looking for a yes?

Everyone’s voices seem far away, making me a bit panicky.

“What are you doing?” I question, taking a step back. “I should get back to Jana, she told me to be quick so we can take a picture by the pool,” I lie, reacting on instinct.

Daniel beings to look concerned. “No, she didn’t. What’s wrong?”

He towers over me, or maybe I am just imagining that. My heart beats harder, I can hear the pounding in my ears, it seems to muffle things.