Hatred With Benefits

F O R T Y

EVA.

"Eva–" Emerson mumbles quietly and when I lift my gaze to his face; an expression that tells me he

doesn't need to learn more to know exactly what I mean coats his face, but it isn't right. He needs to

learn everything because it's more than they usually think it is.

"Listen. And don't utter a word. " I tell him, and Emerson nods, staying mute.

With the wet of my lips, I open my mouth to continue. "We went out that night to have fun, but we got

lost. They were all grown, and we had no idea where they were taking us. At first, we thought it was

some sort of prank, but the more minutes we spent being huddled up in the truck of the car with no

sense of movement; the more we learned what was happening and the more our fear grew. " I take a

pause and think back to the way I had searched for my sister's hand through the dark, and the way it

was shaking when I laced my fingers through hers.

"You don't have to speak about it if you're not ready, Eva. I know how—" Emerson starts, but I cut him

off. "I told you to stay silent, Ford. Not a single word from you till I'm done. "

His chest falls in a sigh before he presses his lips into a thin line and I take that as my cue to continue.

"They took us to a place– a house. The room they left us in was small. Too tiny for Lena. We had no

idea what was happening, but we knew we were in trouble; just not how much trouble we were in. Not

until they came the second day. They came for me. They wanted to take me, but Lena jumped in. She

let them take her away so I would be left alone, and they did. I had no idea what they were going to do

to her; not until I heard her screams. " I shut my eyes as the agonizing screams of my sister fills my

ears– and with each scream that came from her that night, a tear rolled down my face.

"When they brought her back in, her dress... Her blood. Her dress was drenched in her blood. They

assaulted her. They took something that wasn't theirs to take; from a fourteen-year-old girl. They ruined

her entire life before it could begin. " The pain in her eyes when I ran to her, the way her body gave up

against mine and the way she tried so fucking hard to hold onto her tears for me. She told me she was

alright to be strong for me, but she fucking wasn't. Nothing was alright. They damaged her and there

was nothing I could do, but sit there and cry about it. Nothing I could do to ameliorate her pain; dry her

unshed tears; give back what was taken from her.

"That night, I held onto her and she promised me that we would get out. She said to not give up. She

said to—" my voice breaks, and I feel his warm touch against my skin as he laces his finger through

mine, keeping to my words of remaining silent, but giving comfort in the only way he can.

"She said dad was going to come for us, and we would be out of there. She told me they'd pay for what

they did, and I believed her. I've never seen my sister act that strong before. She was hurting,

Emerson. I knew it. I saw it. I felt it. But she never shed a tear. Not a single one. While my face was full

of tears; Lena, in her weak state, dried them for me. She was a version of herself I never knew of, and

she managed to give me hope, but it didn't last long because the next day– they were back. " Emerson

squeezes my hand tightly at those words, and I swallow the bitter lump down my throat.

"She went again. Every single time they came for me, she stepped in to protect me and her agonizing

screams pierces my ears every time till they throw her back in. Used and forced against her own will. I

stayed up several times and wondered why this was happening to us as I watch over my sister's body. I

wondered why we were being punished that way, I wondered why no one was coming to our rescue

and I wondered why it had to be us. It was wrong; to wish that on someone else was wrong but I

couldn't care. I just wanted it to not be us. I cried, and I prayed but it wasn't enough. Nothing was

enough, because we were doomed. Lena kept trying to reassure me to not give up, but I already did. I

knew there was only an amount of times she could manage to protect me before they eventually come

for me, and I promised myself to not share a single tear. And it happened. The night they came for us

again; Lena tried to stop me, but I stepped forward this time. I let them take me and I stopped my sister

from trying to prevent something unpreventable. "

Her eyes. The hurt they held when I pushed her back, and the way she shook her head furiously when

I was dragged out of the room: I remember every single detail.

"When they went down on me and—" I pause to take a breathe and push back the tears that threaten

to overwhelm me as I'm dragged into that place again– dragged into that night. I remember spitting on

his face out of fury when he forced my legs open, and I remember how he struck me across the face. I

remember how I felt no pain when he did, and I remember throwing my head to the side and biting on

my lips to hold back the pathetic tears as he forced his way inside me and took something that wasn't

his. Something that's never meant to be taken unwillingly. Even at that, I never shed a tear. All the

screams from my sister through several nights numbed away mine, and the only thing I felt when he

stick that disgusting thing inside me was anger. Anger that I should never have had to feel. Anger that

goes to the extent of wanting to kill and beyond; a wave of anger that almost turned me into a murderer

and I didn't give a shit about it.

Emerson is holding onto both of my hands now, squeezing them tight in his and I refuse to lift my head

to him because I know I'd break at that. Then I'll stop speaking, and then I'll cry. And I don't want to do

that. Not yet. Not until I'm done.

"They were two. Another stood by the side, and jerked himself to the sight of his friends forcing their

way with me. They spoke words. Words that sounded like nothing, but complete trash to my ears. They

didn't stop at one, and they didn't stop at two. The more I remained silent, the more they went but I kept

to my promise to not give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry, and they finally let me go. When they

threw me back inside the room, Lena was there waiting and all it took was a look into my sister's eyes

for the tears to flow down my cheeks. She took me into her arms, and mumbled soothing words into my

ears, and at that moment; the pain I felt wasn't mine. It was my sister's. " Lena's trembling body as she

held me and tried to relieve me of the pain crosses my mind.

I take a few minutes before I continue. "We were kept in there for a long, and we had no idea how

much time passed. Night by night, they came and night by night; they took each piece of our soul and

tainted it. " Night by night, we fell and there was no sight of hope for us.

"Then the day of our saviour came. Perhaps it was too late, and perhaps it was not, but our father

found us at the very last stage of giving up life and seized the men. It was months, Emerson. They kept

us in there and used us for months. "

The relief that covered dad's face when he realized he managed to find us, but that relief was quick to

turn into a look of horror and a fit of burning anger when he saw the state we were in. I recall him

almost beating one of them to his death and he would have, if the cops weren't there to stop him.

"Did they fucking kill them?" He growls, bitterness creeping into his voice and a sad chuckle falls from

my mouth as I say, "They didn't. They were taken to jail, and the punishment was to serve the rest of

their lives there. Nothing less. Nothing more. "

"That's fucking stupid! They are to be killed. They don't deserve to fúcking live another day after—"

"You know how the law works. " I cut him off, silencing the rest of his words and Emerson shakes his

head. "Fuck the law, Carson. "

"The same words I muttered. " I smile as I finally lift my head to look into his eyes, and they hold

enough pain for me to feel. Not pity. Not sympathy, but the rawness of pain. And I feel it through me.

"Dad took us to therapy, " I mumble, and Emerson lifts one of his hands to my face. He cups my cheek

in his hand and uses his thumb to knead the skin, and it's surprisingly more than he could offer.

"He blamed himself for what happened. He considered himself a failure as a parent and as a man. He

hurt as we all did, and he promised to never let anything bad happen to us. After several medical

treatments, my sister and I were fine. Or at least I thought we were. I was. I scorned what happened,

but I handled my pain by channelling it into something else; distracting myself with new habits and

that's how I got into reading. It worked for me– my nightmares got better, but not for Lena. She handled

her pain another way, or should I say she couldn't. She suffered the most from the two of us, and she

was the weakest at heart so it wasn't a surprise that she struggled with it. She had nightmares of those

days every single night, and her screams were worse than the ones I heard when we were there. They

were a different kind. They were screams of a girl who was destroyed and could never be fixed again. "

"Eva. " Emerson calls beside me and tears burn at the corners of my eyes at the memories of my twin

sister.

"Dad took her to treatment again when her nightmares kept getting worse. I was alright, but she wasn't

and that built a different kind of pain within me. Every single night, I'd walk into her room and stay by

her side, and every time she screamed from her sleep, I'd calm her back to it. I wanted to be there for

her. I tried to be there for her, but it wasn't enough. She was too damaged, Emerson. She was too

broken, and there was nothing I could do other than watch her life fall apart. " Tears roll down my

cheeks and Emerson brings me into his arms, his arm going around my waist as he pulls me to

straddle his lap.

"No. Don't say that, Eva. You tried. " He soothes me as he strokes my cheeks to wipe my tears.

"I didn't try enough. " I shake my head. "I should have tried more. I should have tried harder, Emerson. I

should have fucking done everything, and maybe my sister wouldn't have fucking killed herself!"

Emerson's hand on my cheek stills and his jaw drops as he repeats my words, "Killed herself?"

"She hung herself. We thought she was doing better, but she wasn't. She gave up. She ended her life

because she could no longer go on. "

That detail is engraved into my soul the most out of all. I was heading to her room to check up on her,

but what I met was the body of my sister hanging from the ceiling with her head dropped. I couldn't

move at first. I couldn't open my mouth. I stood there and watched– watched my sister give up life. And

when I finally opened my mouth, it was a scream. A scream that alerted my parents and rushed them

to my side. They were frozen when they came in at first too, before they struggled to get her down. I

didn't need to look into my father's eyes and I didn't need to hear my mother's agonizing cries before

my legs gave out and I realized she left.

To realize that I killed my sister.

"No," Emerson utters and when I lift my head to him; my vision blurry from my tears, he presses a hand

to my head and brings it to his chest. "No, Eva. Please no. "

"I shouldn't have let her step in for me, Emerson. Maybe if I had protected her instead of letting her—

maybe it would have been different. Maybe she would be alive. Maybe I would—" my words break into

sobs and I fist my hands into the side of his shirt as my body shakes against his.

"You didn't kill her, Eva. They killed her. Those men did. You didn't kill Lena. You were there for her in

the only way you could be. You tried. " He urges, his hand moving to the small of my back to give soft

pats.

"But if I–" I open my mouth to argue and Emerson holds my face in his hands as he lifts my gaze to

meet his and in a firm tone, he says, "You didn't kill Lena. Do you understand me, Eva? you didn't kill

your sister and you should never think otherwise. Lena would never want that for you. She would never

want you to take the blame for her death, so do not. You're not to blame for what happened. "

"You're not to blame. " He whispers as he pushes my head back to his chest. "I can't begin to imagine

your pain after, Eva. You're so strong for holding on. You're so fucking brave for moving on and growing

into this beautiful version of yourself. I know it must not have been easy, and I have no right to say this,

but I'm glad you didn't let what happened to take you with it. I'm proud of you, Eva and your sister

would be prouder. "

I lose it at those words from him. I hold onto him as I let it all go till the sounds of my cries fill the space

around us, and my tears soak his shirt.

"That's it. " He says as he continues to stroke my hair and back. "Let it all out. Don't hold back. Let

yourself feel as you should. "

And I keep going. Tears after tears till there's nothing left to cry and I just lay there in his arms, letting

the silence and his embrace soothe what's left of my pains.

"I'm about to move. " He says after a while and I raise my head from his chest, attempting to move to

the side; only for Emerson to drag me back to his lap.

"I was just notifying you. I didn't say to move. " He mumbles, pressing a hand to the side of my face to

press to his chest, and I hum as I wrap my legs around his waist after he moves from the couch and

walks us in the direction of the rooms.

He walks through the door of his room and shuts it with his leg before striding towards his bed. He

gently lowers me on the bed before he strolls to the other side and comes back with one of his shirts in

hand.

"You can sleep in mine. You said you don't sleep well with your regular clothes on. " He explains as he

holds out the black shirt to me and I sit up on the bed before I take the shirt from him.

"Do you want me to help you with it?" He offers as I throw a leg over the edge and I raise my head to

him with a tiny smirk on my face as I say, "I have hands, Ford. "

"I'm aware of that, but I thought— never mind. Help yourself, Carson. " He walks away from me and a

small chuckle leaves my lips before I stand up and strip out of my clothes. I throw the shirt over my

head, and it swallows me whole, going past my midthighs as the familiar soothing scent of Emerson Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

Ford surrounds me.

"Come here. " Emerson pats the space next to him when I turn back and I crawl into bed, shifting closer

to his side till I'm pressed to his body.

"There. " He nudges my head to his chest and I relax into him, crossing my leg over his as Emerson's

hand moves to my back and give smooth taps while the other stays on my hair and massages my

head.

"Emerson–" I call, raising my head to his jaw and he says, "Close your eyes, Eva. I'm right here with

you. "

"I know, " he's here. He's always here. Even when he doesn't need to be. "Thank you for listening to

me. "

"Thank you for speaking to me about it. " He retorts. "Now close your eyes. You need sleep. " He

orders, and I hum, adjusting my head on his chest before I shut my eyes and let the drowsiness take

me.

~

I heave out a sigh as I turn to my side, and open my eyes to meet brown eyes staring down at me.

"Good morning. " He smiles as he nudges me closer with his hand over my middle and I throw him one

of mine before I say, "Hey. "

"Slept well?" He raises a worried brow, and when I take a while to respond; he proceeds to say. "You

kept turning in your sleep. "

"Maybe I did, but I slept well. No nightmares so you don't have to look worried. " I joke and Emerson

chuckles. "I'm far from being worried about you, Carson. "

"It isn't good to start the day with a lie, Ford. " I call him out before moving to sit up on the bed, letting

Emerson's hand fall from my stomach in the process.

"I'm going to go freshen up for the day. " I tell him and when I look back at Emerson, he's propped an

elbow on the bed and he pushes his face forward as he mutters, "Do you want me to help you with it?"

"Fuck off. " I scowl as I climb off the bed, and the echo of Emerson's laugh is the last thing I hear before

I step out of his room with a smile on my face.

~

"So how was it?" I ask Aliya as we meet in the middle and a frown climbs on her face before she says,

"You tell me what happened to you first. Your eyes look puffy. "

I lift my hand to my face and caress the skin before I drop it and say, "I cried last night. "

"I can tell; what happened?" She lifts a brow in concern and I give a raise of my shoulder in a shrug.

"The usual. "

Aliya's face falls and she parts her lips to speak, but I beat her to it. "You don't have to worry. I'm fine

now. "

"Are you sure? You don't want to talk about it?" She presses and I assure her with a smile. "I'm sure.

Now tell me about your date. "

"I think it's safe to say—" the rest of Aliya's words come out as a gasp as she stares in a direction

behind me. "My fucking God. Isn't that Dan?"

I swallow down my throat at the call of that name, before turning my body in the direction of Aliya's

gaze and my mouth drops at the sight of Dan limping his way across the field.

He looks like he got hit with a truck. No— he looks so much fucking worse than that. His right eye is

swollen, completely sealed with a huge bruise over it and there's a cut on his lips. It's a miracle he can

find his way with his other eye without stumbling on something.

"Hey, Eva. " He says as he stops in front of me, and I open and close my mouth like a goldfish, not sure

of what to say to him so I settle with, "Hi. "

"I just wanted you to know that—" God, up this close– he looks even worse.

"I don't want to talk about that, Dan. " I tell him, knowing what the rest of his words would be, and

sadness clouds his damaged face before he gives a nod and strides away from me. With each step of

his that gives rise to a limp, I ache for him.

"Did something happen between you two?" Aliya asks beside me, nudging me with her shoulder and I

hum, about to turn to meet her eyes when my eyes catch the sight of Emerson standing across from

me with Jaxon by his side. His arms are folded against his chest as he looks from me to the path where

Dan took before he looks back at me, passes me a smile then looks away and I don't need another hint

to know what Emerson Ford did.

"Evie. " Aliya calls, turning my attention back to her. "Did something happen between you and Dan?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you after class. " I proclaim before throwing a hand over her shoulder and leading us

down the path that leads to class.

As we walk inside the class, my eyes move across the room and settle on Emerson, who's in his usual

seat– behind me.

He gives me a wave and I adjust the strap of my bag before I stride toward my seat. Shrugging the bag

off my shoulder to the side, I take deep breaths before I make a move.

"Why did you do it?" I turn in my seat to him, and he looks around him before he meets my eyes and

points a finger at himself as he says, "Are you talking to me?"

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, Ford. " I say and a ghost of a smile covers the

corners of his lips as he pushes his face closer to mine and lowers his voice, "Am I supposed to?"

"It was you, wasn't it? Dan?" I move straight to the question and Emerson stays still for a second

before he says, "Am I supposed to know a guy that goes by that name?"

"Emerson. " I drawl and he angles his head to the side. "I didn't do anything, Carson but if you're talking

about me beating up a fucker that deserved it, then you might be right on that. "

"I told you not to do anything. " I frown.

"But I never promised you I was going to go by your words. Why would you expect me to listen when

I've never gone by your words, Carson?" The smile appears on his face now, and I shake my head at

how amused he seems to be about this.

"What if he reports you? You went too far, Ford. Have you seen him?"

Emerson drops his hands on the desk before him and rests his head on them as he says, "I don't give

a shit about that, Carson. If he does, then I'll answer to it. "

When I part my lips to speak; he interrupts me and says, "And I don't regret what I did. He's lucky

Jaxon was there to stop me, or I would have taken his life, and I wouldn't care less if I go to jail for that.

"

A smirk creeps into my face as I open my mouth to tease him. "For someone who claims to not give a

shit about me, you sure as hell went out of your way for me, Ford. "

He chuckles before he says, "I didn't do it for you, Carson. I did it for me. " He pauses and pushes

forward till his face is only inches away from mine and we're sharing the same breath. The air around

us shifts as Emerson holds my gaze intensely and says, "I would have never been able to move past it,

Carson. It would haunt me daily, and I'll blame myself in the end for not doing anything about it. "

I take a breath before I part my lips, my tone dropping as I say, "Thank you, Emerson. I mean that. "

"I know. " He boasts with a proud smile on his face and a laugh falls from my mouth. Emerson stares at

me with this weird look in his eyes and I bite down on my lips as my eyes fall to his lower face, and I'm

leaning in– close to taking his lips in mine until we're interrupted by the sound in the room, and I'm

quick to adjust properly in my seat as the realization that we're in class, surrounded by people and

almost eating each other faces.

Heat spreads to my cheeks, possibly reddening the skin and I stare down at my lap before there's a

clear of a throat beside me.

I twist my head to meet Aliya's gaze, and a smirk covers her face as she jerks her head in the direction

of Emerson, then to me. Oh, fuck. I can't believe that happened with Aliya right beside me.

"No. " I mouth and my best friend snickers as she edges closer to me and lowers her head to speak.

"You've got a whole lot of explaining to do, Evie and I'm not joking about that. "

"Alright! Welcome to today's hell. About our last project—" at the voice of the professor, Aliya throws

me a wink before she pulls away from me, and a groan slips through my parted lips at the trap I got

myself into. More than that, it's concerning that my heart is racing fast in my chest.