BREAKING POINT

“Oh, a year…. perhaps less. Depends whether I get this other job I have my eye on. You see, my boss says that…..”

She did not hear the rest. She could only hear the voice of her own soul, and aunt Ann saying :

‘Tomorrow you will live, you always cry. In what far country does tomorrow lie?’

A year… Perhaps less! Perhaps never. Tomorrow never comes. Tomorrow is too late because now I have Howard. I cannot wait for tomorrow. I have Howard.

“Jeremy!”

“Yes?”

“Last night I said I had something to tell you. Please lie down again. I can’t talk to your back”

He lay down, his limbs inflexible, his lips set in a thin, stubborn line.

“Jeremy, do you remember the first weeks we spent together.. Here, in the flat? We… We were not very careful”

“Well, what about it? What’s the use of bringing up things that happened so long ago?”

“Because In this instance, there have been prolonged results”

“Oh don’t keep talking in riddles, Penny. Say what you have to say and be done with it”

She clenched her fists under the clothes and steeled herself against the coldness of his tone.

“Jeremy, I had a baby… While you were in Cairo. Our baby. Your son”

Whatever she has subconsciously expected his reaction to be, she was not prepared for his vehement denial.

“I don’t believe it” he shouted at her. “I don’t bloody well believe it” He took hold of her arms and forced her into a sitting position. His fingers dug into her soft flesh, hurting her.. Hurting her where she could no longer feel pain. Only her heart could feel pain now..

“It’s true Jeremy. He is two months old” she managed to say

“Then he isn’t mine” Jeremy shouted, shaking her to and fro as if he could shake a denial from her. “He can’t be. You would have told me before”

“Howard is yours, Jeremy. If you care to work it out, you will realize that he must be yours”

“Then why didn’t you tell me before. Why didn’t you do something about it before it was too late? Why wait and trick me into feeling I have got to marry you whether I want to or not? But I won’t be forced. I won’t…”

He spoke into thin air.

She had gone quickly out of the room, shutting the door behind her, wanting to shut out the sight of his handsome, selfish face… And the sound of his ugly insulting voice… Forever.

————

She had picked up a coat and scarf and rushed madly from the flat that black and bitter hour of revelation… When she really had come face to face with the grim truth. Jeremy… Her adored Jeremy whom she had defended to the last breath… Was a shallow, selfish, irresponsible person. He had never loved her… Only wanted her, for as long as she had seemed physically attractive to him. At the last fence he had failed in the most despicable fashion. He had not even shown concern for her or interest in his own child. He had lashed out, furiously conscious that a very grave responsibility had been put on his shoulders… And he had shaken it off like a snarling animal, when the tiger claws fasten on to its back. But she Penny, had not even shown herself as a feline creature who wished to be predatory, to demand everything, to snatch his freedom from him and hurt him. So he had hurt her… Beyond pardon.

Later she had returned to the flat… Exhausted, ill in body and mind, to face him although she had not wanted to. But she had decided that it would be weak and cowardly to avoid the final issue and show down. So she had gone back. And she had found him asleep. He had actually been able to sleep… After what she had told him and knowing her state of mind when she had walked out on him. That had seemed the final indignity. He had woken up, lit a cigarette, offered her a drink, tossed down a strong whisky and faced her sullenly, still resenting what she had done. Not because she had kept him in ignorance of the baby’s birth but because she had allowed it to be born. And it was that which seeped like foul muddy water into the perfume of her old love and tolerance… Utterly destroying it.

Coldly she listened to his reproaches, then he seemed to grow uneasy because of the new dignity of her poise and her silence. His own gaze had shifted. He has muttered:

“Oh well… If you are going to sulk”

She could almost have laughed then. After so many weeks of Joey’s companionship, Jeremy suddenly seemed utterly immature.. Even stupid. She could well believe that if she made a single gesture towards him he might even drag her down on to that bed and make love to her again. The idea, which had once burned in her like a flame.. A beautiful fire.. Was repellent this morning. She said :

“Don’t worry. I shall not even claim maintenance for my son. I consider him mine now. No longer yours”

Jeremy had the grace to flush.

“Oh, come off your high horse. You are just as responsible as I am for his conception my dear”

“Oh yes definitely” she said with a bitter laugh. “But I take my responsibilities seriously.. And I love my son”

“Oh to hell with all this getting at me. I will marry you if you want. I suppose I ought to give the little bastard a name”

The word rattled Penny to such an extent that her whole body trembled with anger.

“The ‘bastard’ as you call him won’t be one much longer. And I wouldn’t marry you now if you were the last man on earth. My friend Audrey will help me take care of Howard. She might even adopt him. He has my name and he has been christened after my husband… Howard Hampson. I shall make it my business to see that he never has a father like you, Jeremy. You will never be troubled with him. And now if you don’t mind, I would like my flat to myself ”This content belongs to Nô/velDra/ma.Org .

That attitude had appeared to startle Jeremy and even bring him down from the high peak of his sublime selfishness and lack of real feeling for Penny. He had looked at her as though suddenly conscious of his own unworthiness. For the first time in his life he humbled himself by apologizing.